Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Because of Faith

Do you believe that God sees you? Do you believe that He knows your struggles? Do you believe that He knows and cares about you?

"Never mind, it's stupid. I'm stupid. "

I did not say the words, but I thought them. With Tim's weird health issues lately, a lot of things have been coming to the forefront of my mind.

I have spent a lot of time depressed and crying as I remember September of 2014. Tim had been having a lot of odd health issues at the time. We just blew them off, but they were not getting any better. Then on September 29th, I convinced him to go to the doctor. He was admitted to the hospital. A month later, he was diagnosed with burkitt's lymphoma, finally able to keep food down and sent home.

I keep replaying that time over and over in my mind. I can't seem to break out of the loop.

T just recently went through several tests. He thinks everything looked good, but then he is not a doctor.

When he got home, I was so depressed and really needed a hug from him. I did not ask him for a hug. Nope. Instead, those two sentences at the top went through my mind. "Never mind, it's stupid. I'm stupid."

When I tried to talk to him about how I am feeling, his response was,  "I'm here and I'm okay." Which leaves me pressing things down.

Here lately there have been so many things that have happened that lead me to believe the Lord is wanting me to share some with you about my life growing up. I keep trying to put it off, but things keep happening that bring everything to the front.

First off ....

I Was Not Wanted 

My mom married a very controlling, self centered man. I have learned over the years that he is a narcissist, but giving a name to it, does not help.

My mom got pregnant with me when she and my dad were dating. When she told him she was pregnant,  he told her to get an abortion. However, when she refused, they got married. A few weeks into their marriage, he got mad at her and threw her down hoping she would have a miscarriage.

I was not wanted.

He kept my mom isolated from her side of the family. We would travel to see his side of the family, but he would not let her see her side.

What is so precious about his side of the family? I have spent a lot of time wondering over that question. Whenever we were around them, my dad tried to become someone else. It was a try, but it always ended when we made it back home.

I remember me and my brother having chores. We were expected to do these certain chores each week. My dad would come in behind us, you know like "white glove" style to test and see if we had cleaned. Not pleasant memories.

I grew up hearing that I did not matter, that I was not important, that I was stupid. If you hear those things often enough, starting at such a young age, you grow to believe it.

I did not like to have to ask him for anything. He had this way of saying things that made me feel, stupid, crazy, whatever. So, I started pressing things down. I would not ask for anything, instead I would think, " never mind,  it's stupid. I'm stupid."

Luckily, this is all in the past. The Lord has brought me through all of it and He has given me a peace about everything. My mom, well, she lived it every day until she went home with Jesus.

I Am Who I Am 

I am who I am today because of what the Lord has brought me through. I can look back on that time, with tears in my eyes as I mourn for those involved. However, I am stronger because of my faith in Jesus.

I forgave my dad a long time ago. He is in the Lord's hands.

Psalm 112:7 NIV

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord .


Dear Father,  thank You for always being with me. No matter what I go through, no matter what I have gone through, You are always there. The knowledge of that brings me so much comfort and peace. Father, no matter what might lie ahead of us, we will be able to face it head on without fear of bad news and with steadfast hearts because our trust is in you. Thank You for all that you do.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

God Cares About You

You Are Beautiful

Battling Insecurity

Do you believe that God sees you?
Do you believe that He knows your struggles?
Do you believe that He knows and cares about you?
How can I pray for you today?
If you will allow it, I will be happy to help carry your load.

Photo credit: geralt on pixabay.com

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